Thankfulness in the midst of Alzheimer’s

 My mom struggled with health issues for over 14 years. My family's journey began when I was pregnant with my second son, Caleb. Just a routine doctor visit led to a very rare diagnosis which led to a very stressful surgery. Before Caleb was 2, mom would have had 3 surgeries. I say all this because although none of these things caused my mother’s illness of Alzheimer's, they did expedite it. So, this has been a long road. Over the years, we, including my mom, experienced all the emotions that come along with grief - Denial, anger, withdrawal, bargaining, acceptance, and many, many others. And these emotions did not come in one stage and then move to the next. Sometimes, we would experience all of these emotions in one day! Or even in one hour!

I have thought about what I would say on this day for many years. Originally it was because Sandra was my mom and the best mom anyone on planet earth could ask for! Then it included my dad and the picture of their unconditional love that they so vividly showed us. However, in the end, it is about my God and His complete faithfulness through every step of the way. It is ultimately His faithfulness that has led me to find thru thankfulness thru Alzheimer’s.

First and foremost, although my mother “struggled” with this disease for several years, she did not necessarily suffer in the way that many people do. When I would be very depressed, angry, or questioning God about my mom’s condition - every time someone would come in contact with us and say “I would give anything for my mom or dad to have been like this instead of x, y, z…” Even as recently as the last few days when mom had lost the ability to swallow, one of her caregivers said, “I promise you, it could be worse. I watched my mother suffer in pain until her last breath”. One day I was very emotional about the fact that my mother could not read. This woman, who taught over 1000 children - including me, my brother, and our children how to read - on many days could no longer read. This was very painful for me. I was talking to my dad about it and he said, “Elaine, we don’t need to spend a lot of time being upset over all the things that she cannot do or who she isn’t anymore. We need to be thankful she is not in pain and appreciate who she is.” Wow. Such wisdom. I am thankful she did not suffer in pain.

Secondly, I am thankful for the picture of unconditional love I saw in my parents the last several years. I always knew my parents loved each other. You don’t stay married for 49 years if you don’t love someone. And mom and dad are both very independent. Honestly, neither of them do anything they don’t want to do! (If anyone was curious as to where I got that trait). They were also very affectionate with each other. I saw my parents hug, kiss, and say I love you every single day of my childhood. Even when they argued, they worked it out - and as far as I know - didn’t go to bed angry much. This has brought a great deal of stability to my life and has given me an example to follow in my own marriage. As I watched many of my friends' parents get divorced - even after we were adults - I saw my parents continue to love each other.

For those of you who are very familiar with my mom and dad, you know that my mom never met a stranger whereas my dad is much quieter. Before this illness took my mother’s ability to speak, she could “talk the horns off a billy goat”. My favorite picture of her is the one of her smiling on the phone! That is my mother! We even have quotes from my mom talking on the phone - “Hi whatcha doin?” and “Well, talk to you later, bye” click”. My mother loved the phone! Before the days of cordless phones, my dad installed a phone cord that was either 50-100 ft long so my mother could go all over the front part of the house with that phone! She could cook supper, do laundry, and even clean half the house on that phone - and she did! We all stepped over the cord! My mom was never happier than when she was talking to her mother, her sisters, and then later when I grew up - to me on that phone! He did get her cordless phone later, by the way, but my dad always made sure my mother had the things she needed.

My mom was not one to want jewelry or expensive things like that, but she did like to have nice things in her home. Over the years, I saw my dad always purchase my mother new appliances. Now that might not make you or I happy - but it made my mother VERY happy. My mom was a true homemaker. She loved to keep her house clean and up to date. New appliances, new carpet, a nice deck, etc really made her happy. Before the days of the 5 love languages and How to love your spouse, etc - I saw what love was by how my parents loved and took care of each other. Just a few years before he could no longer take care of her at home, he had bought her a new dishwasher. It was the nicest one in the store with all the bells and whistles. Unfortunately, the disease had caused my mom to not be able to figure out the electronics of it. Now mom and dad argued about that dishwasher. This was the point where my mom was significantly confused and would get frustrated very easily. If you’ve ever dealt with this, you know when your loved one is in this stage its easy to get frustrated with them as well. None of us are perfect! So they were arguing about this dishwasher and I was talking to both of them - trying to tell mom it was ok and that dad wasn’t going to get rid of the dishwasher, trying to tell my dad she really couldn’t work it. He was frustrated and ready to throw the new dishwasher in the yard! But, before we got off the phone he said, “but I want to get her something that she can use and will make her happy!” So, he did. He went and purchased a new dishwasher. It wasn’t state of the art and it was loud, but my mother could work it until he could no longer take care of her at home. Needless to say, that other dishwasher found a new home at my house!

I am thankful for the unconditional love my parents showed me even in my mother’s last days. When dealing with Alzheimer’s there are many things most people outside the immediate family do not know about. There were many things I didn’t know my dad was dealing with until years later. My dad became her caregiver for YEARS before most people even knew anything was wrong. He prepared her medication, took her to doctor visits, made sure she had her purse, money, phone and other essentials when she was going out with her sisters or me and talked to her for hours on end during the night to tell her she was not crazy and that it was ok, she was just confused and he was there with her. One of the best times I saw the unconditional love my dad had for my mom was when she really did not know who he was. My dad told me this story only a year or so ago, but it happened long before that. It had been an entire afternoon and early evening of her not recognizing him. I cannot imagine how frightening that must have been for her and for him. My dad continued to tell her he was Don and tell her stories about their life, her life, etc. Finally, he went and got his yearbook from Wellborn and pointed out his old friends she had met - he walked her through each person and she recognized them. Then he pointed to himself and she said “yes, that’s Don”. Yes, that’s right, that is me. She looked at him and said, but you’re so old! He just laughed and said yes, honey we’ve gotten old. For whatever reason, that was enough for her. He hugged her and they went to bed.

My dad also made sure my mother had the best care. At first, thru caregivers in the home and taking her to be part of a Alzheimer’s study at UAB. But then thru allowing her to come to Florence where I live to a unique Assisted Living that is different from anything else in the state. Its a private facility that is really like living in the country. There were only 12 residents in her house. Because of the atmosphere and the care, my mother didn’t have to go in a nursing home. She was able to live there the last 21 months of her life. When we moved her, she had to be admitted to the hospital for about 11 days to get her medications regulated. This was her first admission to the hospital with this disease. The nurse said, let me just take a minute to commend your family. Most people at this stage of the disease - would have been admitted many times because their family just wouldn’t have been able to handle them. All that time, her main caregiver was my dad.

The last 21 months, my dad and I have been a pretty awesome team. I handled the medical portion and he handled the financial. He never questioned what I spent on mom and even when I tried to explain expenses he would say “whatever you need”. He even told me recently that he wanted me to know that he knew whatever medical decisions I made for her were the right ones and that I had his trust and support. If you haven’t dealt with this, you cannot understand what a comfort that is. The Bible tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8 “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. You took care of her Dad - you did good.

My mother also loved my dad til her last breath. My mom would never hold the hand or even sit with another man when she was at Green Oaks. But, when my dad came, her face would light up, she would sit close to him, hold his hand, and lean in to him. Now, I do not mean that disrespectful to the people who have this disease and do forget their spouse - that is not their fault. I just want to say I am thankful for my parents faithfulness in sickness and in health and til death do us part. Even yesterday while picking out flowers, my dad made sure the man put “Mrs. Sandra Reaves” on her ticket saying “she’s my wife”. We noticed, the boys noticed. My mom and dad left a legacy for us and we are thankful.

I am also thankful for Alzheimer’s because of the best of humanity we came in contact with over the last several years. This journey took us to many doctors because honestly, this wasn’t going to happen to my mother! She was going to be cured. We went from traditional medicine in Anniston, to alternative medicine in Birmingham and Atlanta, and finally wound up at UAB memory center. One of the nurses there, Denise Ledlow, became a trusted caregiver and counselor to our family for the 2 years my mother was under her care. She spent countless hours on the phone with me helping me understand care and the disease, but she also helped me work through the emotions and everything else that goes along with this disease. Denise encouraged my dad and her kindness has truly left me changed forever as a nurse and as a human being. Rachel Dulaney and her sister Geraldine became fast friends with my mother and took care of her like their own family. I think that was how God showed me His glory the most these last few years - these women were literally the hands and feet of Jesus. It is hard to care for your loved one alone. Even as a nurse, I found it very difficult because this was my mother. The caregivers God sent to care for my mother were very diverse - every race, ethnicity, background, and educational level. They had one thing in common - love for others. Even my mother’s sweet roommate, Shelba, also a retired teacher and struggling with dementia fell in love and helped care for my mother. I am thankful that my mother kept her sweet demeanor, smile, and laugh. All of these people epitomized Galatians 6:10 “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith”. They inspire me to live out this scripture.

I am also thankful for the lessons of God’s goodness and grace my children were able to see throughout this process.Please don’t get me wrong! We didn’t start with thankfulness! This has been very difficult to understand God’s goodness amidst such pain for our entire family. But instead of questioning God’s character, we did question why this was happening. God in His goodness and mercy drove us to scripture over and over again. Many years ago, we were leaving my parents house. I can remember exactly where we were. Caleb was just a little guy and he asked, “mom, what if mimi forgets Jesus?” I told him I didn’t think she would but God’s word tells us in Isaiah 49:15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” So, regardless of this disease and what it took from her, it never had and never will have the ability to take her out of God’s hand. The words of Jesus tell us in John 10:28 “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand”.

BJ and I have learned anew and my children have learned to turn to God’s word for peace. Every time we were struggling the verses we would cling to were Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”. Psalm 145:18 “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on Him in Truth.” And the verse that continues to guide my life, Psalm 119:160 “All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal.”

And, when I was too angry to turn to scripture - because there were times I was. God reached down and found me wherever I was. Once I had been struggling for a couple of weeks trying to see His purpose and I was praying and praying that I needed Him to show me His purpose in this! I had even told my best friend, Kari, I really needed to hear from Him!! Either that afternoon or a few days later, I got in my car to leave work and heard the song by Danny Gokey “Maybe you just haven’t seen it yet” Some of the lyrics are:

Have you been praying and you still have no answers?
Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?
Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?
Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?
Don't forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more.
Maybe you just haven’t seen it yet.

I realized when I heard it, that song had been on every single time I had gotten in the car the last few days - in the morning, at lunch, and when I went home in the afternoon. The God of the Universe, reached down to me and found me where I was. Even in her dying moments, the nursing assistant was telling me, “yesterday your mom was praying, take me Jesus”. She no sooner had those words out of her mouth than my mom breathed out on this Earth and took her first breath in the arms of her Savior.

I woke up with the song Near the Cross on my heart just a few minutes before she left us so I just started singing. I knew she was meeting her family and friends by the river. And it just happened to be two of her fellow sisters in Christ’s birthday’s - Mrs. Ella Mae Browning (who she sat with at church) and her sweet neighbor Jenny Cosper.

Therefore, “Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope, without wavering, for He who promised is faithful” Hebrews 10:28. I know that “The God of grace who called {my mom} to his eternal glory in Christ, suffered a little while. But he Himself has restored her and made her strong, firm and steadfast. He who promised is faithful. So at the end of this journey, I can with confidence say with the Psalmist “As for me; I will always have hope:And I will praise you more and more.”